Little ralphy was the bad boy in fourth grade - he raised his arm and said "I have to take a pi$$". The teacher replied that students do not use that term - it was best to use the word "urinate". She then asked if ralphy could use "urinate" in a sentence. Ralphy paused to think and then said; "urinate; but if you had bigger boobies you would be a ten".   Submitted by : Jim Hall

SCHOOL -1957 vs. 2007 Scenario: Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack. 1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack. 2007 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.  Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school. 1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies. 2007 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.   Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students. 1957 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again. 2007 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie.  Tested for ADD. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.   Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt. 1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman. 2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.   Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school. 1957 - Mark takes his aspirin, gets over his headache, and is able to concentrate on his classes.  2007 - Police called, Mark expelled from scho ol for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.   Scenario: Pedro fails high school English. 1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college. 2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.   Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed. 1957 - Ants die. 2007 - BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.   Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him. 1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing. 2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years before. Because of their hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Friday, and his wife was flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel, and unlike years ago, there was a computer in his room, and he decided to send a e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without noticing his error, sent the e-mail to the wrong address.  Meanwhile somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a Minister who was called home to glory after suffering a heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and then fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and then glanced up and saw the computer screen which read: To: My Loving Wife Date: Friday, October 13, 2005, Subject: I have Arrived! Dearest Love: I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here> now,> >>> and you are allowed to send email to your loved ones. I have just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow, and look forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!*>

A new man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates of Heaven. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked. "Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, on a trip to The Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers,who were threatening a young woman. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the "sh*t" out of all of you ! "St. Peter was impressed, "Excellent! When did this all happen?"   "Just a couple of minutes ago."

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her > > Name plate that her name is Patricia Whack. > > "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday." > > Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says > his > > name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he > knows > > the bank manager. > > Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some > collateral. > > The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain > elephant, > > about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. > > Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank > > manager and disappears into a back office. > > She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger > out > > there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants > > to use this as collateral." >   > She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is > this?" > > (you're gonna love this) (its a real treat)  (a masterpiece)  (wait for it) The bank manager looks back at her and says...  "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."  (You're singing it, aren't you?  Yeah, I know you are........)  Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you  did!!!

POOR KITTY

SANDALS   A married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, "You, foreigners!  Come in.  Come into my humble shop!" So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex."  The wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex God he was. The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?" The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon."  The husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years! In the blink of an eye the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips. The Jamaican then began screaming, "YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET! YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET   Important Note: Scientific Study :  A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.   Don't bother taking it off now; it's too late

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There is a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill comes flying out of it onto the pavement. Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..." "Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!" "Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?" "Did you steal it?" "Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!" "So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!" "Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?" "Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up"....

Bubba went to a psychiatrist.   " I've got problems.  Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it.  I'm scared.  I think I'm going crazy." "Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink.  "Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears." "How much do you charge?" "Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor." "I'll sleep on it," said Bubba. Six months later the doctor met Bubba on the street.   "Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?" asked the psychiatrist. "Well Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money!  A bartender cured me for $10.  I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!" "Is that so!  And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?" "He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now !!!"

A biker stopped by the local Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited (what's new) , so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He then stopped by the feedstore and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry all of his purchases home. While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?" The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane . I would walk you home but I can't carry this lot." The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time." The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?" The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an, anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?" The lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

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